fshock journal

Merry Christmas, I’m back all you slimey turds!

You are probably (not) wondering where I’ve been lately, since I apparently only post like twice a year. 

The last time I wrote I talked about my job tarring roofs for the city. 

That job was ok for awhile but eventually I was hospitalized from inhaling all that tar smoke. Apparently you are supposed to wear masks but no one told me that! Lee, the other guy I worked with, is Asian so I just assumed he was “being all paranoid” when he was wearing his mask. But apparently not. Not only did Lee not get SARS but he also doesn’t have “dangerous levels of poison” in his lungs. Smart guy! I mean of course (he’s Asian).

So I had to leave that job, but it was pretty sweet because I went on disability. The stupid government had to pay me because I got sick from the job! I wish I’d known that when I worked at Fairfield Appliances and got my wang stuck in a vacuum hose and had to recover in hospital for 3 weeks or else risk my junk falling off. I never got paid anything for that!

Anyways, I’m doing fine now, and I even got a new job at Pulse Nightclub as a bouncer.

Don't mess with me unless you are a hottie!

I get to break up fights between drunks and stare at young drunk chicks all night. It’s pretty much the best job ever! Whenever the bar is full and there is a line-up, I always try the “what will you do for me?” line on girls who want to get inside. So far it’s netted me $3.75 in Canadian Tire money, two sets of breasts flashed my way, and a pretty terrible HJ from this one really drunk chick. But you know what they say “A terrible HJ is better than no HJ at all”. I think that one was Winston Churchill.

There is also a super cute waitress at Pulse that I’ve been trying to nail ever since I’ve started working here. Luckily I got her in the Secret Santa, so I picked out the perfect present that will let her know my intentions.

She will be mine! 

If this doesn’t seal the deal then I don’t know what will. Maybe I’ll slip in my Canadian Tire money to further entice her. If that fails, I’ll just go down the street to the Top Hat like I do every night. Ho! Ho! Ho! Three dancers a night.

One of the other perks of working at Pulse is I get to drink whatever is left over at the end of the night. Meaning whats left in the glasses and bottles on the tables. Otherwise they just throw it out! Can you believe it? I can also typically get 2 or 3 “Barmats” a night. There is nothing like the mix of our 40 types of shooters combined with the slight hint of “rubber mat” flavour to give you a buzz! I just pick up the mat, curl it into a funnel and pour it right in my mouth. Actually it’s pretty awful, but as Winston Churchill said “A free drink of something awful is better than no drink at all”. RIP Churchy.

Anyways I have to go: Bad Santa is on and I always like to pay close attention to the part where the Gilmore Girl gets railed by Sling Blade. The forecast is for heavy flurries, in my pants!

Oh Lorelai you dirty dirty Gilmore Girl