Merry Christmas, I’m back all you slimey turds!

You are probably (not) wondering where I’ve been lately, since I apparently only post like twice a year. 

The last time I wrote I talked about my job tarring roofs for the city. 

That job was ok for awhile but eventually I was hospitalized from inhaling all that tar smoke. Apparently you are supposed to wear masks but no one told me that! Lee, the other guy I worked with, is Asian so I just assumed he was “being all paranoid” when he was wearing his mask. But apparently not. Not only did Lee not get SARS but he also doesn’t have “dangerous levels of poison” in his lungs. Smart guy! I mean of course (he’s Asian).

So I had to leave that job, but it was pretty sweet because I went on disability. The stupid government had to pay me because I got sick from the job! I wish I’d known that when I worked at Fairfield Appliances and got my wang stuck in a vacuum hose and had to recover in hospital for 3 weeks or else risk my junk falling off. I never got paid anything for that!

Anyways, I’m doing fine now, and I even got a new job at Pulse Nightclub as a bouncer.

Don't mess with me unless you are a hottie!

I get to break up fights between drunks and stare at young drunk chicks all night. It’s pretty much the best job ever! Whenever the bar is full and there is a line-up, I always try the “what will you do for me?” line on girls who want to get inside. So far it’s netted me $3.75 in Canadian Tire money, two sets of breasts flashed my way, and a pretty terrible HJ from this one really drunk chick. But you know what they say “A terrible HJ is better than no HJ at all”. I think that one was Winston Churchill.

There is also a super cute waitress at Pulse that I’ve been trying to nail ever since I’ve started working here. Luckily I got her in the Secret Santa, so I picked out the perfect present that will let her know my intentions.

She will be mine! 

If this doesn’t seal the deal then I don’t know what will. Maybe I’ll slip in my Canadian Tire money to further entice her. If that fails, I’ll just go down the street to the Top Hat like I do every night. Ho! Ho! Ho! Three dancers a night.

One of the other perks of working at Pulse is I get to drink whatever is left over at the end of the night. Meaning whats left in the glasses and bottles on the tables. Otherwise they just throw it out! Can you believe it? I can also typically get 2 or 3 “Barmats” a night. There is nothing like the mix of our 40 types of shooters combined with the slight hint of “rubber mat” flavour to give you a buzz! I just pick up the mat, curl it into a funnel and pour it right in my mouth. Actually it’s pretty awful, but as Winston Churchill said “A free drink of something awful is better than no drink at all”. RIP Churchy.

Anyways I have to go: Bad Santa is on and I always like to pay close attention to the part where the Gilmore Girl gets railed by Sling Blade. The forecast is for heavy flurries, in my pants!

Oh Lorelai you dirty dirty Gilmore Girl

What’s up, twats? It’s me! I’m back! Since Akolade has apparently fallen off the face of the blog-earth, I thought I’d chime in with some of my wisdom and blow some minds, while I blow my wad. Ya, writing blog posts gets me half-wood. But that’s probably because I always have a window open with porn. So basically anytime I’m at the computer I’m aroused. Makes it weird when I’m Skyping with mom.

My Windows desktop on a typical day.

So, summer is over half over now, and I’ve had a busy one! I got a job working for the city, tarring roofs!

Stinky hot tar!

I’ve got one of those tans that make white-men look like some sort of Caramel Golem; a healthy shade of brown, like seen here:

This is what my balls look like right now (yes I tar pantsless)

You can literally smell the skin cancer! I thought I was being safe and responsible by putting tons of suntan oil on, but apparently that’s used to GET a tan, not prevent it. I’m a golden god right about now; seriously I’m blacker than Obama over here.

"Miss July" in the 2011 Roof Tarring Aficionados Calendar.

Tarring roofs has its perks: you get to work outdoors, you get the previously mentioned killer tan, and lots of fresh air. I mean, when you aren’t inhaling toxic TAR fumes that is. So actually, not much fresh air really. Also the risk of horrible burns if you aren’t careful with all that TAR you’re lugging around. I dropped my sandwich in the tar bucket once and it tasted AWFUL after it cooled off.

Ex-coworker (R.I.P. Tim Mclusky)

It is fun to hang out on rooftops though. It’s a great vantage point to whistle at chicks. You can see RIGHT down their shirts, and when you holler obscenities like “where’d you get those massive bongos?” they can’t do shit cuz you are way up on the roof staring at their massive cleavage and they are way down on the street trying to get to the library or purse store or some shit. It’s a win-win. They get to feel good about their bodies, and you get to imagine them naked. Win. Win.

"Quit staring down my shirt you perv!" - Kathy O'Parry

Ya, working for the city is pretty good. Like, you don’t wake up in the middle of the night worried about “tar” or any shit, like a banker might wake up and scream something about stock markets. What I mean is, you don’t take the job home with you. No, when the clock strikes 3:30 (I work for the City remember), you hang up your tar gloves and head for the local sports bar for some some brew-daugs, and just chill. Get drunk, eat some prettzies, make lewd comments to the waitress, and by 6:00 you puke in the bathroom and then head out for some Micky-D’s McRibs, AKA supper. 

Why yes, I WILL have two, thank you.

It has pretty much been the perfect summer.

I’ll try to post some more summer adventure tales soon. I just renewed my library pass so I basically have Internet for awhile now! Fucking-A.

Merry Xmas everybody, it’s me, Gastank O’Shams! You might remember me from such posts as my xmas music video or perhaps my Xmas 7” or why not just browse all my various posts in this very FONT OF WISDOM.

A lot has happened to me in his year of 2010. A few months back I met a lady name Janet. She’s a single mother of two, and was waitressing at “Beaches Pub & Grill”, the least popular hangout in Lethbridge, situated next to the “Schitzo Society” and across from an empty field that I’m told used to house Lethbridge’s first mass grave!

Anyways, Janet and I hooked up one night after I bought her copious amounts of Pil. Nailed her that very night in my van, right in the parking lot! We dated for like 5 weeks until she caught me “cheating” with a Fleshlight. Whatever Janet! That’s not cheating! Even if another woman is holding it while I use it! It’s not HER vagina!

So, Janet left me, but not a moment too soon if you ask me. Why? Because tomorrow is my Work Xmas Party! I’m currently working at a local rendering plant, which just happens to employ a few of the skankiest most eligible bachelorettes (plus women who cheat on their husbands) this side of Fort Macleod! 

I’ve been to a few work Xmas parties in the past. Since I’ve held so many jobs (because I am so sought after / have lots of skills / often “get caught”), I’ve seen a wide range of different parties, all with different potential cooch!

Me at the Senior Centre Xmas Party, 2008. Yes, I nailed all five. The sixth woman turned out to be a man.

Back when I was working at Denny’s, we had our Xmas party at our boss's house, because he was a god damn cheap bastard. The only plus was that he had a pretty big house with lots of bedrooms / bathrooms / pool table. That was one of the best nights of my life, because Denny’s was employing a record amount of loose ladies that year!

I really worked my charm / date-rape drug that night, and got lucky three times! Once in my boss's kids bedroom (don’t worry, the kid was asleep! Jeez!). That was … I forget her name. I used to call her “Miss No Teeth”. All I really remember about her was that she was old, smelled like overripe bananas, and gave a mean BJ (on account of her missing teeth).  

After that I did it with a dish washer in the downstairs bathroom. Not an actual dish washer! I mean a girl who washed dishes. I’ve only had sex with an actual dish washer once, and I was high on crystal meth, and I suffered second degree burns as it was set to “Sanitize” mode. Anyways, I don’t remember the dish washer girls name either. I do remember that she was possibly underage, but it’s fine because I had her fired a few weeks later because she got really clingy and I was afraid I’d get in trouble for “fingering a minor”. She then ran away from home and hasn’t been seen since. Phew! That was a close on!

Oh ya, and then I did it with the boss's wife on his pool table. Wrecked that felt but good. Stain city! Not just me either, she was “ragging it” but we were too drunk to care at the time. I did shower for 3 hours straight the next morning though. My boss didn’t find out about it until several months later, and needless to say, I was looking for a new job after that! I think they got a divorce too. Pretty much tore that family apart.

...I forget what I was talking about. Oh right, my company Xmas party! I can’t wait. There are three ladies I have my eye on. The secretary is a fine specimen, and totally single so there is no danger of me “destroying a marriage” this time. She might be out of my league though: I’m pretty sure she went to Lethbridge College. I’ve been watching a lot of Jeopardy! lately so that I can spout out facts to her. I really want to impress her. "This is long and hard and fits nicely inside you." "What is my penis?"

If things don’t go well with her, my next choice is a girl I work beside at the rendering plant. Basically, I scoop the bones / organs / poop into buckets, and then she loads the buckets onto a conveyor belt. She is really tough. She could probably kick my ass pretty hard. I’ve never seen her with a man around either, so she is prime picking! She does have a female friend who sorta looks like a dude. They are roomies. Now that I think of it, they are probably lesbians. Well, I guess that means... threesome! Yeah!

Now if I don’t manage to get her on my man rod, there is always the last choice: Fran. She’s an older lady who sorts the big bones from the small bones. I figure with all the bone handling she’s done over the years, she could do a real number on my bone. If you know what I mean! (I mean my wang).

So anyways, here’s to the true meaning of the season: trying to get laid at your work Xmas party! I’ll let you know who/what I bang! Otherwise, it’s back to old Fleshy, my second-hand Fleshlight (bought on eBay, it was a steal!).

Hey shitbaggers! You were probably wondering (or not) where I have been. Well, at the start of the year I snagged a job working up north at Fort McMurray inspecting tubes. I lied on my resume, it was sweet. Except the job was not sweet. Inspecting tubes is fucking boring and horrible. I thought it would at least garner me tons of poon, but not really. Based on these local Lethbridge pipe inspectors' Girl-Of-The-Day, I assumed hot chested boob grabbing ladies go hand-in-hand with the job. Total lies!

However, Fort Mac IS crawling with prostitutes. Though most of them are quite pricey. To get a deal you really have to drive about 30 minutes out of town. They aren't as cute but if you drink enough pure ethanol beforehand, it doesn't really matter. Fort Mac is also a hotbed of drug use, thanks to the high paying jobs and the low-scoring IQ tests. I'm not really a cocaine guy myself, I prefer marijuana or pure ethanol.

Anyways, come August, I had enough of inspecting tubes. The only tubes I like being inspected are my tube and by inspected I mean sucked on. And by tube I mean my wang. So I quit my job and came back to Lethbridge. I decided I should go back to school and get some skills so I don't have to spend another year covered in oil staring down a tube. The only things I like covered in oil are my tube. And by tube I mean my wang.

So I applied to take Multimedia courses at Lethbridge College. Their only requirement is that you have a first and last name, so I got in no problem. I learned a lot of skills there, and I think I have a future in video editing. I am thinking of applying to Paramount Pictures, or Shaw Public Access TV. I will send applications to both and see what they say.

In school we learned a lot of tricks. They have a nifty piece of hardware called a Video Toaster, which was donated to them by someone who went to the dump once and found one. We have the latest model which runs on a cool new computer called an Amiga 3000. This thing is just amazing.

For my final project, I decided to do a Christmas video. I used the Google Image Search, which is what I normally use for pornography (you can find free porn with it, try it out, protip). It was weird not to type "soaked black milf" into the search box. I really am growing up and becoming mature! Mature like those soaked black milfs!

Please check out my music videofilm. I recorded the song with my Casio SK-1 in my basement suite. I am thinking of submitting this one to MTV or MuchMusic or MuchMoreMusic or even VH1 or MTV2 or MTV3 or VH2 which I think is a real channel. I don't have cable. I live in a basement suite and steal WiFi from the guy upstairs. I hope this brings you Merry Xmas cheer. Multimedia is going to be my ticket out of this two-bridge town, I swear. This time next year I'll be living in a Yacht off the coast of Los Angeles, and I'll Segway my way to Paramount studios every morning, editing the latest and greatest Hollywood movies. I'll be nailing hot chicks every night, and I also plan to have a pair of Chocolate Labs. Those dogs are adorable. Also: a sex swing. A YACHT sex swing. I have a dream.

Here it is.